2004/08/15
Testimony
"Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 17 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it."
I realized recently that almost everything I have held dear has, over the past couple of years, disappointed me or intentionally hurt me in some way. I've been let down by church leaders and camp leaders, I've been hurt in the extreme by a girlfriend of two years, by school faculty, and by people I considered close friends. I can't believe what I've heard come out of the mouths of people that I held in high esteem. A job that I was dedicated to became, for lack of a sufficient description, a hell-hole.
I never realized during those golden high school years how perfect everything was for me.
But I don't reveal these feelings to evoke pity. On the contrary, I am only now beginning to realize the work that God has been doing with me.
I've always been a strong-willed person. I have, for the most part, an ability to see the picture in a way that is larger than most people are able/desire to see (for example (as those who know me can attest), my dilemma with the causes and effects of how Walmart is able to offer such low prices). This, I fear, has resulted in a feeling of self-worth and -- dare I say -- self-satisfaction that is incompatible with what we read in Scripture.
My self-reliance has produced plans that did not necessarily take into account the will of God (even though they were, for the most part, centred around 'serving God')[James 4:13-16]. But how can someone effectively serve God when he does not even have the faith that God demands? Of course the answer is, he can't. That's where I was. I was (or am, as it's a constant battle) too self-reliant to be used by God. I'm supposed to accept God's help as a child accepts help from a parent. A small child does not question why a parent chooses this plan or that. A child has no concept of the future beyond what the parent has planned. A child merely accepts the parent's wisdom and planning, and benefits from the results.
Am I making any sense? That's been the point of the last two years. Man, I wish I had been smart enough to learn that lesson to begin with! I mean, I always knew that we were supposed to depend on God, but I always figured that I could get away with securing myself a nice little plan that suited my comforts.
And so, despite the fact that I'm a little uncomfortable sharing this much with all of you, I offer it with a two-fold purpose. First, as a warning. I wish I had learned this lesson sooner without all the pain that it took to teach me. Be teachable, take God at His word, and accept what He says. Doing so will result in much blessing, and much less needless suffering. Second, I offer this testimony as a praise to GOD, who works all things for the good of those who love Him. Perhaps Dennis Rainey is right when he says, "it is doubtful that God can use a man fully until He has hurt him deeply."
I pray that God would use me in a way that would bring Him much glory and myself none.
I realized recently that almost everything I have held dear has, over the past couple of years, disappointed me or intentionally hurt me in some way. I've been let down by church leaders and camp leaders, I've been hurt in the extreme by a girlfriend of two years, by school faculty, and by people I considered close friends. I can't believe what I've heard come out of the mouths of people that I held in high esteem. A job that I was dedicated to became, for lack of a sufficient description, a hell-hole.
I never realized during those golden high school years how perfect everything was for me.
But I don't reveal these feelings to evoke pity. On the contrary, I am only now beginning to realize the work that God has been doing with me.
I've always been a strong-willed person. I have, for the most part, an ability to see the picture in a way that is larger than most people are able/desire to see (for example (as those who know me can attest), my dilemma with the causes and effects of how Walmart is able to offer such low prices). This, I fear, has resulted in a feeling of self-worth and -- dare I say -- self-satisfaction that is incompatible with what we read in Scripture.
My self-reliance has produced plans that did not necessarily take into account the will of God (even though they were, for the most part, centred around 'serving God')[James 4:13-16]. But how can someone effectively serve God when he does not even have the faith that God demands? Of course the answer is, he can't. That's where I was. I was (or am, as it's a constant battle) too self-reliant to be used by God. I'm supposed to accept God's help as a child accepts help from a parent. A small child does not question why a parent chooses this plan or that. A child has no concept of the future beyond what the parent has planned. A child merely accepts the parent's wisdom and planning, and benefits from the results.
Am I making any sense? That's been the point of the last two years. Man, I wish I had been smart enough to learn that lesson to begin with! I mean, I always knew that we were supposed to depend on God, but I always figured that I could get away with securing myself a nice little plan that suited my comforts.
And so, despite the fact that I'm a little uncomfortable sharing this much with all of you, I offer it with a two-fold purpose. First, as a warning. I wish I had learned this lesson sooner without all the pain that it took to teach me. Be teachable, take God at His word, and accept what He says. Doing so will result in much blessing, and much less needless suffering. Second, I offer this testimony as a praise to GOD, who works all things for the good of those who love Him. Perhaps Dennis Rainey is right when he says, "it is doubtful that God can use a man fully until He has hurt him deeply."
I pray that God would use me in a way that would bring Him much glory and myself none.
# posted by Justin @ 23:57 
